Perhaps it is objectionable to call it a one month "anniversary," since anniversaries are generally associated with an annual date, rather than a mere thirty days. But it is a milestone I find myself contemplating.
Thirty days since heart attack. Besides my new medications, and my new constant companion of nitro-glycerin tablets for sudden chest pain, I feel normal. Fewer palpitations, less anxiety attacks, and fewer times I'm reaching towards my neck to take my "pulse." All rather good signs, actually.
There is a check-up on my lungs this week, as well as the Cardiac MRI to disclose next steps in treatment and/or therapy. I have been touched greatly by many acts of compassion and concern over the last four weeks. I have been encouraged by prayers, by cards, and by acts of kindness both great and small. Sometimes you wonder what difference you are making in your daily activities and your causes. I never fully realized or appreciated the larger community of colleagues and friends I have acquired through my life and its adventures!
I even have begun to regain my work duties at Prairie Avenue Christian Church, in small, careful steps.
I do get tired a little more quickly than before. Naps are my friends in the late afternoon. My night owl habits have faded away as I tend to turn in before 10 pm. I'm less insistent and demanding; more grace and forgiveness. I walk a little slower, which means I walk more closely to my wife than before.
Life has changed in so many ways, but thankfully, the good is greater than the bad.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
Heart Attack, Part 2
The medications have become a routine, as well as the emphasis on fruits and vegetables with each meal and snack. Recovery seems to be doing well, as I regain energy and start to feel near human again.
As I continue to contemplate my "new normal" as a heart attack survivor, I find myself focusing on the habits and behaviors of my life so far and their implications. Before July 15, I was driving fast and hard, over-committed, and keeping the expectation that I could take it. Now I know how ridiculous it was to live daily with constant rush to achieve and accomplish. Our society as a whole does not allow much time for self-review, nor does it allow anything less than accomplishment to be the measure of self-worth. Drive it hard, drive it fast, and win always leads to a hard life and living.
While there is no problem in having goals and trying to achieve them, when achievements are the only measure of worldly success, it does become problematic. Think about how we talk and converse with one another. Most of our conversations revolve around what we "do." We mention our career accomplishments, our social achievements, but rarely do we talk about what we are trying to be. It is generally the fruits of our labor that give us self-worth.
It is especially difficult in my work profession. Pastors tend to be the end all, the be all. Congregations like this, because it tends to allow the congregation to place responsibilities and duties solely upon the pastor, who tends to be workaholic enough to consider it his or her "ministry." While pastors are reminded about self-care, it is rare that it is actually applied. Congregations are a little world reflecting the larger world picture; they want their church to look, feel, and be successful, measured by accomplishments and achievements like their personal life. Ministers/Pastors should remind their congregations that self-worth is not only from accomplishment and achievements; self-worth is measured by one's relationship to God and one another. And sometimes our accomplishments and achievements stand in the way of those relationships.
I find it difficult to return to my former life. It was an unsustainable lifestyle. I am recreating new life around me. A life that is less striving, more discerning. A life that actually takes rest as a measure of health, not a moment of weakness or failure. Measuring life from the perspective of being, not just doing. There will be more "no's" in my future than "yes." There will be more delegating than regulating. I will claim authority, but not be its only author. And all in all, in the end, I will become a better person to all.
As I continue to contemplate my "new normal" as a heart attack survivor, I find myself focusing on the habits and behaviors of my life so far and their implications. Before July 15, I was driving fast and hard, over-committed, and keeping the expectation that I could take it. Now I know how ridiculous it was to live daily with constant rush to achieve and accomplish. Our society as a whole does not allow much time for self-review, nor does it allow anything less than accomplishment to be the measure of self-worth. Drive it hard, drive it fast, and win always leads to a hard life and living.
While there is no problem in having goals and trying to achieve them, when achievements are the only measure of worldly success, it does become problematic. Think about how we talk and converse with one another. Most of our conversations revolve around what we "do." We mention our career accomplishments, our social achievements, but rarely do we talk about what we are trying to be. It is generally the fruits of our labor that give us self-worth.
It is especially difficult in my work profession. Pastors tend to be the end all, the be all. Congregations like this, because it tends to allow the congregation to place responsibilities and duties solely upon the pastor, who tends to be workaholic enough to consider it his or her "ministry." While pastors are reminded about self-care, it is rare that it is actually applied. Congregations are a little world reflecting the larger world picture; they want their church to look, feel, and be successful, measured by accomplishments and achievements like their personal life. Ministers/Pastors should remind their congregations that self-worth is not only from accomplishment and achievements; self-worth is measured by one's relationship to God and one another. And sometimes our accomplishments and achievements stand in the way of those relationships.
I find it difficult to return to my former life. It was an unsustainable lifestyle. I am recreating new life around me. A life that is less striving, more discerning. A life that actually takes rest as a measure of health, not a moment of weakness or failure. Measuring life from the perspective of being, not just doing. There will be more "no's" in my future than "yes." There will be more delegating than regulating. I will claim authority, but not be its only author. And all in all, in the end, I will become a better person to all.
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